Reflecting/homework Day 1: PAUSE

I am doing Elena Brower’s Approaching Acceptence 5 day course the first day is pause. We were supposed to become aware of contractions, pause, and use the breath to shift from contraction to attentive expansion.

This is the second time I have done this course. I remember the first time I did this I had such a hard time noticing contractions I was almost frustrated that I couldn’t identify many. Now I see that I didn’t notice contractions because I was in denial to the fact that I was in a constant state of contraction. I am so happy to have compassion for myself and allow myself to surrender to life that I can expand and now learning to notice when I do start to contract so I can soften and be open to how that changes things maybe it moves me back to expansion, maybe I stay contracted but at least I am aware.

Homework, Day 1

1. Write down at least 3 occasions when you noticed a contraction, what preceded it? Where it was in your body? Were you were able to transform it into an expansion using the breathing? What did that feel like?

1. I really want to work at this eco friendly landscaping job for the summer and I was getting ready to talk to the owner. I was so excited and then I started doubting myself and my ability. Thinking I wouldn’t be good enough. I could feel the contraction start with just doubting myself thinking, am I good enough to get this awesome job? As this contraction started I felt my skin getting tighter like I was actually contracting into myself and I also felt something in my heart like a sucking feeling. From here I had a choice I could feed my doubting mind and continued to contract. But instead I paused and said out loud to myself what was happening that I was contracting because I was doubting if I was good enough and then out loud I reassured myself. I have no experience but I am passionate, a hard worker, and a fast learner. I am good enough and I accept myself. This self acceptance allowed me to expand and I felt like my skin went from tight in a state of contraction to soft in a state of expansion. My heart also felt buoyant.

2. I was planning on taking Adams yoga class and plans changed and I ended up going to a community class at avenues yoga studio (where I just picked up a weekly class Tuesday 8:30-9:45am). I was looking forward to moving my body. I knew the class was not advanced but I was excited to be able to work on the anusara principles of alignment. Lately I have enjoyed taking other styles of yoga classes and applying the anusara alignment. When I went into the class the women teaching said that today she was going to do a yoga nidra instead of an asana practice and that she hoped that was ok. I smiled and said that was just fine. But as I sat at my mat and shut my eyes I could feel the contraction start in my brain. Like my brain was mad that what it had planned to do wasn’t going to happen. Again I had a choice as to how I would respond. I could make the contraction worse by feeding it getting worked up either complaining, leaving the class early, or pouting through the whole class. Instead I paused and breathed. Every exhale I was letting go of the attachment of what I expected and as I inhaled I filled myself with acceptance. I acknowledged that is what was happening and I turned it into a positive thing in my mind. I smiled thinking the universe is funny I have been running around all day and I still have a few more things to do after class and I didn’t get much sleep last night. This is the universes way of getting me to slow down. With this I felt myself expand. First the head thing went away and then my skin felt soft and I felt like I was glowing. I felt compassion for myself for not feeding the negativity and choosing to switch my attitude so I could I enjoy myself and accept the present moment. I also felt compassion for the teacher. I went from being a little frustrated to feeling lots of love for her for offering this to me and having the bravery to do that as a teacher. The class was wonderful I left thinking that is just what I needed.

3. I took a stone wrapping class and it was wonderful. The man Vern who taught it was so patient with me. He demonstrated a few times and it was so beautiful to watch I was so aware of what he was doing in the moment and I felt this happiness to be taking this fun class. This is something I would have never spontaneously done before when I was in the eating disorder. There was so much beauty as Vern dances the wire beautifully around the stone. Then it was my turn. I had watched and thought I understood but then my hands just couldn’t do some movement. The two other students seemed to get it quicker then I was and again I started to doubt myself: I don’t think I can do this. I good enough to do this? This contraction felt like my skin was getting tight and I felt anxiety and anxiousness. I paused and instead of making the contraction worse by continuing to judge, critique, and compare myself to other I choose to pause and breath. I said to myself that I don’t need to be perfect at stone wrapping. This is my first time doing this and I am doing this purely to have fun. I choose to accept that my twists are a little funny but I had fun and I accept myself and my effort.

Approaching Acceptence: Day 1: PAUSE

For the first day of Elena Brower’s 5 day approaching acceptance course we are told to pause and focus on the breath. I am learning that life is about relationships and the interaction that happens within that relationship results in either expansion or contraction. Life/ or the universe is either expanding or contracting we can see this as the seasons change, a heart beats, the ocean moves….

We are in so many relationships and all of these facilitate either expansion or contraction. One of the most important relationships we have is with our self and another important relationship we have is with Spirit/Divine/God/science. I believe practicing acceptance toward our self we can experience Spirit/Divine/God/science.

The idea with the day pause (as I understand) is that we are co participating in our experience with God. Yes there are going to be times when we contract that is part of the pulsation of life because everything in is relationship. One big way I contract is through judging my self, others, and pretty much everything. Rushing and doubting also cause contraction. Often when we feel a contraction we don’t like it and resist life even more causing a bigger contraction. Elena suggests that when we feel the contraction we pause. In that pause we accept what is happening this softens us and we expand!

Approaching Acceptance

I am doing Elena Brower’s five day Yoga a Course in living “Approaching Acceptance”. This is the second time that I am doing this course and I am very thrilled because I have made tremendous shifts in my life regarding acceptance. Before acceptance was a topic that I could only understand with my mind. Before when I went through this course I was very open to the idea of acceptance however I was also very much in my eating disorder. I thought if I could control my body and get it to a place I liked then I could accept myself, but until then I can still accept others.

Through my experience I now know that I have to be proactively nourishing myself and choosing more appropriate coping mechanisms and in this process I have to remain soft with acceptance and compassion for myself. But acceptance, for me, is not like flipping a switch it took and continues to take lots of work to stay soft, patient, compassionate, and optimistic. I know see how huge a barrier the eating disorder was for my ability to accept anything. I have heard the saying before “if you can not show compassion to yourself you can not show compassion to anyone else.” Before I tried to accept all the things around me but I continued to feel shame and guilt about the person I was.

Through hard work and support from others I am starting to understand acceptance and softness in a new way, I no longer understand it mentally but I can feel it with my whole being. I am learning to accept who I am. This means embracing my whole self including my past struggles and my shame and my guilt. When I fully accept myself in this way I feel a softness inside along with peace, joy and love.

I used to love the way I felt during and after in Elena Brower’s yoga classes (thank you yogaglo) yet she talks about softening a lot and softening was something I could just grasp mentally. Now through this opportunity that the eating disorder has provided for me I now see that softness is acceptance and acceptance is an approach of softness. Now as I take her class I love them to such a deeper level because every down dog and pose I do is an opportunity to soften and learn to accept myself. I can tell you the old saying is right now that I have acceptance for myself I am actually able to accept others too.

http://www.artofattention.com/yoga-of-living-course/

expansion and contraction

My past few blogs have mentioned the course I am taking from Elena Brower called Living Your Yoga. This course is intended to be a five day course where Elena tells you what your assignment is for each day and then gives you some homework questions to help you reflect on your day and how the assignment went. I did day one pause, where I focused on noticing physically in my body when I contract and when I expand. I worked with using my breath when I am in a contraction to bring about and active expansion. This was wonderful. It brought a lot of light to me about which situation and habits cause me to contract. And it also helped me learn that when I am contacting depending on the situation sometimes the breath removes the contraction completely and allows me to expand into love and acceptance. However I have also learned that shifting awareness in my breath when I am contraction doesn’t always make the contraction go away but it does help me stay present to what is causing the contraction, it helps lesson the contraction, and it helps me learn more about myself. The day after I did day one, which should have been the day of self acceptance, day two. As I went throughout the day I was just so aware of the pulsation of contraction and expansion I kept for getting about my day two assignment. So I decided to focus on day one for a week…. If you are waiting on my day two reflection you’ll have to wait a little longer. I am really enjoying this course and am grateful to Elena for offering such an accessible class to students.

*NEW CLASS: I will be teaching a new class 12-1 at the yoga center starting at the August 7th.

**Reminder later today is the practice with Jen at the yoga center 540-7. Tomorrow master workshop with Adam at lifted life yoga center 9-11am.

PAUSE

I have been focusing on Day 1 of Elena Brower’s Yoga of living course. This first day is called PAUSE and Elena encourages us to notice the difference between expansion and contraction in the physical body. She says that contractions are almost always caused by two negative states caused by rushing or doubting. She then says when you notice yourself contracting “take one breath to shift from contraction to attentive expansion”.

The homework:
1.Write down at least 3 occasions when you noticed a contraction, what preceded it? Where it was in your body?
2.Were you were able to transform it into an expansion using the breathing? What did that feel like?

I really am enjoying today’s assignment. Using my attention to notice when I am expanding and when I am contracting. When I am expanding I feel open, spacious and full of love. When I expand I feel big and powerful, but at ease and full of acceptance. When I am contracting I feel closed, sad or anger. When I am contacted I feel so small, weak, unsure and so wrapped up in myself.

As I work up this morning I stated my intention. I took a few deep breaths and I noticed how this act of breathing with awareness helps me expand. As I started my morning I started by experiencing this wonderfully open state of expansion.

As I moved about my morning I keep my attention of this expansion and contraction. There were many times as I would be doing something that I could feel this contraction. I could feel myself getting small. Being a yogi I am very aware of my body, when I felt myself contract I felt my back slightly round, and my shoulders roll forward. I could feel my brain hurt. As I started the day I knew I would have many contractions but I was surprised how many I noticed and how such little things would set them off.

I did notice that every contraction was caused by me judging/doubting myself/others or from me rushing.

DOUBTING:
•I was thinking about how I already love this course from Elena Brower and how excited I am for working with the next assignments. Then I thought about sharing it with others…on my blog and my friends and fellow teachers. It was in this moment I contracted. I doubted how much knowledge I already have, and I wanted to hoard this wisdom and keep it to myself so I could be the best. I felt myself contracting and tightening from my brain, my heart, and into my core. I was driving my car and I felt my back slightly round like a scary Halloween cat as my shoulders rolled in as if I was protecting my heart. I paused as I noticed this, and I turned to my breath. I wasn’t even trying to figure out if I would share this knowledge or not. As I shifted my awareness to my breath I naturally sat up straighter (inner body bight) and corrected my shoulders (shoulder loop, who knew you could practice Anusara in the car). I felt myself starting to expand from my pelvis, up my ribs and out my heart. I felt open and full of gratitude, and my head felt more spacious. In this new state of expansion the choice went away, of course, I would share this knowledge.
ohttp://www.artofattention.com/ sign up for the email list sign up and you will get emailed a password, then you can access the course from that same webpage.

RUSHING:
•Tyler (my husband)and I have been looking for apartments. I wanted to turn in my application by 9am and we didn’t even leave the house until 10:30am. After we left the house we had to stop and pick up pay stubs and we had to go to the Social Security Building to get a recipt that says our SS# on it, since I couldn’t find our cards and the apartment wouldn’t accept our passports. This caused many contractions caused by rushing.
oWhen we first got in the car after being an hour and a half late I could feel my heart beating and I was quickly calling the apartment office to see if anyone had turned in their application (we were told that 3 other couples picked up applications and it was all about who turned the application first). I asked if I could bring my passport instead of my social security card and she said no. After hanging up I noticed that I missed the start of this contraction and I was fully in it. I was rushing and not enjoying this moment. I thought just turn to your breath and expand. Unfortunately, this time it was not that easy. As I breathed I was also repeating the mantra “slow down…open” in my head. This did lesson my contraction but I was not experiencing expansion. My day continued like this. As I felt a contraction brought on from rushing I would pause and breath, this did lesson the contraction and allow me to open to the experience but I didn’t feel completely spacious and peaceful. However it was really awesome to be aware of this (noticing the contraction, bringing space to it and noticing what happens,,, a little less contracted) instead of just going through the day with each little thing continuing to close me off more and more and more.

What I learned from today’s experiment was that I was able to use my attention to see when I tightened in on myself and then used my breath to open myself back up I was aware that if I didn’t choose to pause and breath and allow myself an opportunity to expand out of the contraction I would have stayed tightly contracted. I feel very fortunate that I often take time to breath, sit quietly, and practice yoga. All of these activities give me opportunities to expand. When I do them they help assist me to expand out of any contractions that occurred earlier. But what is difficult about this is I don’t know what the contractions came from so I can’t deal with them as appropriately and use them for growth. What I liked about this assignment is it has given me a tool to help me learn how to notice when I contract, what it feels like, and what causes the contraction. This knowledge teaches me more about myself, so I may be aware when I contract and when I expand, and hopefully through discipline and attention I can start to shift some of my habits and thinking processes so I can reside in this open, peaceful, accepting nature of expansion.

(As I re read this last paragraph it reminds me of why we practice yoga, why we even care to look at our self…to know more and be happy CHIT ANANDA)