learning and growing

On Friday was the start of the Anusara Immersion with Adam Ballenger. I took the immersions from Adam about a year and a half ago and when I did it blew my mind and melted my heart. I have been looking forward to go through the immersion again to help refine my knowledge and my practice. Hearing Adam talk yesterday and today has really helped me recognize what a different place I am in my life now compared to then. On the first night of the immersion last time I was excited and eager to learn. I tried to scribble down every word that came out of Adams mouth. I was confused when I heard concepts like Grace and organic energy. This time around I understand, and connect with the information. Before the information felt like it was being dumped on me and now I feel like I am participating in the conversation. Now instead of writing down every word I note a few key points, “ah-has” or a reminder to journal more on a topic. Things are making more sense to me now because I have been studying yoga for a while and things are starting to click, and I am now in a healthy place in my life to hear and apply what I am learning. Before all though I thought I was open to grace, but I wasnt. I have learned in order to open to Grace I had to actively surrender all the smaller than grace “stuff” I was attached to.  

an oppurtunity to expand

I have been thinking a lot about interaction. Everything that happens is an interaction with something else. An interaction with our self, each other, the earth, the way we interact in our job. From these interactions we experience expansion or contraction. Everything that happens can be looked at as an invitation to expand. But at the same time if we don’t watch our self and our habits our interactions can become a contraction, leading to a contraction leading to a contraction….leading to a sad, upset, angry, feels like the world is against them individual. Instead can we take every interaction as an opportunity:  How can I expand with this? How can this enhance life? Even a really bad stuff like death or a natural disaster although painful can still be an opportunity to expand. (Side note: Life is a pulsation so it is natural to have contraction but when you contract it is because you are co-participating with the divine to expand somewhere else)
 

I led the students through a little meditation having them remember and experience expansion within their body. I suggested times that have made me expand, being honest + vulnerable yet received with love, spending time with my husband, playing with a new baby, looking at something vast and beautiful like the ocean or sky, doing something I love while being present … all these experience have made my inner light expand. When we expand we feel of love, bliss, and surrender that radiates from the inside out and on top of this radiance the outer body melts. It was wonderful to witness a room of students actively expanding!

After this meditation we moved into our asana practice and I reminded the students that every pose is an opportunity to expand, whether that pose is your favorite pose, your least favorite pose, or you need to take a modification… it doesn’t matter! Just like it doesn’t matter what situation you are in, or who you are interaction with, they are all opportunities for expansion, for life enhancement, and deepen your connection with Spirit.

May we remember that we have a choice how to engage. We can choice to engage life in a skillful way that allows us to expand and expand…

OM NAMAH SHIVAYA

May your SOUL ROOT and BLOSSOM

Last week was so wonderful! I got a new job landscaping and organic gardening job with Soul Garden I absolutely love the job and feel so so happy, grateful, blessed for this opportunity. I cannot believe that I am getting paid to spend my day outside with my hands in the earth, learning about flowers, and feel like I am connecting with my heart. To top it off my boss is AMAZING and I cannot wait to get to know her and learn from her more. I have made some tremendous shifts in my life lately and being in the garden makes my soul want to sing. On top of that it is such a great opportunity for reflection. I have had so many great blog and class ideas. I also really want to start teaching yoga for gardener’s class because after one full week of working my body is soar.
http://soulgardenearthscapes.com/

Looking forward to 100 hours of Anusara Immerson :)

Next weekend I am starting the Anusara immersion with phenomenal Anusara certified teacher Adam Ballenger and am so freaking excited. I took the immersion last year with Adam and it was mind blowingly awesome. I started the immersion after getting into Anusara for about 6 months and the immersion really introduced me to the Shiva-Shakti Tantra philosophy that is part of the Anusara style. I was thrilled to be learning this fascinating information but at the same time I was at a pretty unhealthy place in my life and even though part of me was pursuing yoga and expansion there was another part (that I call Ed) that was in constant contraction and fear. I had an amazing experience going through the immersions the first time and I learned so much but I am very eager to go through it a second time now so I can get deeper into the philosophy that I have now been studying for over a year and now I learning how to be more balance and healthy. I am so grateful for my teacher Adam.

Love and acceptance

For the past few weeks I have been thinking a ton about love and acceptance. It is human nature to want to be accepted and loved. Every person (unless maybe a psychopath) wants this, even “bad guys” want to be loved and accepted by their fellow “bad guys”. We put so much energy, time, effort, money, mind chatter…to find this love and acceptance…from others. However in my experience I did not put enough if any effort into HONESTLY accepting myself and having compassion for myself.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” Rumi

One of the huge barriers is that what we so desperately want from others, we don’t have for our self. I am learning that if I don’t love and accept myself I can’t fully love and accept anyone else. I am learning the more I cultivate these qualities in myself the more I can connect with others in such a more meaning full way.

Practicing on our matt is a wonderful place to show acceptance and compassion to our self. We can fall in the habit of trying so so so hard to get out body into the shape of a pose and get frustrated that we aren’t doing it right. I suggest you try the pose! Work hard, but also try really really really hard at accepting where you are in the pose, and loving who you are genuinely.

peresonal philosophy

I am writing my personal philsophy for a job interweiv and I thought I would share this tid bit:

Yoga has been a divine light at the end of the tunnel during times of great struggle for me; when I broke my back and the recovery process from disordered eating. Both of these experiences have improved the relationship I have with myself, my body, my spirituality, my friends, my family, and even strangers. Before these challenges I was a confused, sad, angry, lying, anxious and not present person but the process of healing helped shift my views about myself and others. It helped me become happy, compassionate, not judgmental, not competitive, patient, giving, and caring. These events that I thought were the worst things ever turned out to be such opportunities for growth!  

Reflecting/homework Day 1: PAUSE

I am doing Elena Brower’s Approaching Acceptence 5 day course the first day is pause. We were supposed to become aware of contractions, pause, and use the breath to shift from contraction to attentive expansion.

This is the second time I have done this course. I remember the first time I did this I had such a hard time noticing contractions I was almost frustrated that I couldn’t identify many. Now I see that I didn’t notice contractions because I was in denial to the fact that I was in a constant state of contraction. I am so happy to have compassion for myself and allow myself to surrender to life that I can expand and now learning to notice when I do start to contract so I can soften and be open to how that changes things maybe it moves me back to expansion, maybe I stay contracted but at least I am aware.

Homework, Day 1

1. Write down at least 3 occasions when you noticed a contraction, what preceded it? Where it was in your body? Were you were able to transform it into an expansion using the breathing? What did that feel like?

1. I really want to work at this eco friendly landscaping job for the summer and I was getting ready to talk to the owner. I was so excited and then I started doubting myself and my ability. Thinking I wouldn’t be good enough. I could feel the contraction start with just doubting myself thinking, am I good enough to get this awesome job? As this contraction started I felt my skin getting tighter like I was actually contracting into myself and I also felt something in my heart like a sucking feeling. From here I had a choice I could feed my doubting mind and continued to contract. But instead I paused and said out loud to myself what was happening that I was contracting because I was doubting if I was good enough and then out loud I reassured myself. I have no experience but I am passionate, a hard worker, and a fast learner. I am good enough and I accept myself. This self acceptance allowed me to expand and I felt like my skin went from tight in a state of contraction to soft in a state of expansion. My heart also felt buoyant.

2. I was planning on taking Adams yoga class and plans changed and I ended up going to a community class at avenues yoga studio (where I just picked up a weekly class Tuesday 8:30-9:45am). I was looking forward to moving my body. I knew the class was not advanced but I was excited to be able to work on the anusara principles of alignment. Lately I have enjoyed taking other styles of yoga classes and applying the anusara alignment. When I went into the class the women teaching said that today she was going to do a yoga nidra instead of an asana practice and that she hoped that was ok. I smiled and said that was just fine. But as I sat at my mat and shut my eyes I could feel the contraction start in my brain. Like my brain was mad that what it had planned to do wasn’t going to happen. Again I had a choice as to how I would respond. I could make the contraction worse by feeding it getting worked up either complaining, leaving the class early, or pouting through the whole class. Instead I paused and breathed. Every exhale I was letting go of the attachment of what I expected and as I inhaled I filled myself with acceptance. I acknowledged that is what was happening and I turned it into a positive thing in my mind. I smiled thinking the universe is funny I have been running around all day and I still have a few more things to do after class and I didn’t get much sleep last night. This is the universes way of getting me to slow down. With this I felt myself expand. First the head thing went away and then my skin felt soft and I felt like I was glowing. I felt compassion for myself for not feeding the negativity and choosing to switch my attitude so I could I enjoy myself and accept the present moment. I also felt compassion for the teacher. I went from being a little frustrated to feeling lots of love for her for offering this to me and having the bravery to do that as a teacher. The class was wonderful I left thinking that is just what I needed.

3. I took a stone wrapping class and it was wonderful. The man Vern who taught it was so patient with me. He demonstrated a few times and it was so beautiful to watch I was so aware of what he was doing in the moment and I felt this happiness to be taking this fun class. This is something I would have never spontaneously done before when I was in the eating disorder. There was so much beauty as Vern dances the wire beautifully around the stone. Then it was my turn. I had watched and thought I understood but then my hands just couldn’t do some movement. The two other students seemed to get it quicker then I was and again I started to doubt myself: I don’t think I can do this. I good enough to do this? This contraction felt like my skin was getting tight and I felt anxiety and anxiousness. I paused and instead of making the contraction worse by continuing to judge, critique, and compare myself to other I choose to pause and breath. I said to myself that I don’t need to be perfect at stone wrapping. This is my first time doing this and I am doing this purely to have fun. I choose to accept that my twists are a little funny but I had fun and I accept myself and my effort.