Monday, May 16, 2011

opening to Grace

In the immersion I am taking with Adam Ballenger we have been focusing on the first principle: Open to Grace.
I used to be so embarrassed that I was hanging on to really unhealthy habits and behaviors as I was studying yoga so intensely. I felt like such a hypocrite. Now I understand that I have been pursuing yoga for so long because I so badly wanted to open up to Grace but at the same time I was even more attached smaller then Grace “stuff”. I now see that it was just part of the journey. Although the relationship I have with food and body image has caused me a lot of pain I am grateful because the amount of pain it brought me was enough for me to fight it, learn to let go of it, so I could be in a place to open to Grace. I remember a specific day about two months into treatment where I was really focusing on surrender, “Surrender, surrender, surrender, do what you treatment team is telling you and take a leap of faith”. This was the start of me really opening to Grace. It had to start with an active surrender of my attachments to smaller then grace stuff which (through lots of effort) took so much weight off my shoulders allowing me to rise up get stay grounded. Life is still hard and it is a fight but now over all I feel bright, bubbly with joy, a deep surrender and acceptance. Before although I was a good actor my inner body was very dark and I felt pain, judgment, anger, fear, and anxiety.

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