Face Everything And Rise

October is the month of we intentionally scare ourself and physically put on masks. I thought this would be a perfect time to focus on being fearless, taking off the masks, seeing yourself and letting yourself be seen.

Here are two acronyms of the word F.E.A.R:
F*ck
Everything
And
Run

Or

Face
Everything
And
Rise!

Which do you choose?

Usually when we get afraid, our nervous system kicks in and we fight, flee, or freeze. We put on our armor trying to protect ourselves from whatever we think is going to hurt us in fear of losing what we have or getting something we do not want. 

However, our attempts to protect ourselves do not lessen the fear. Rather than becoming free from fear, we harden ourself and become more set in our ways.

If fear hardens us. Fearlessness is about softening ourself. The best way I have found to do this is to develop a compassionate friendship with myself.

To develop a deep friendship with yourself you must do the scary work of STAYING with yourself instead of shutting down, or running away or putting on the armor (all the natural tendencies of fear). It means keeping your heart open when your feelings seem to overwhelming, unpleasant, or painful.

When we put our armor on to protect ourself we develop an “iron heart.” When we cultivate a friendship with ourself, the iron heart softens. It becomes a vulnerable heart, a tender heart. It becomes a genuine heart that is willing to stay present for all the experiences of life without shutting down.

Non-dual Tantric teachings that inform Anusara Yoga remind us that everything is one energy. Every experience internal or external, joy-filled or grief-filled can be an opportunity to learn, grow and connect on a deeper level IF you engage the experience SKILLFULLY. If you learn how to STAY.

The biggest lesson I have learned from practicing this is, if I can open up to staying with myself and not putting on my armor or distracting myself or numbing myself... I can allow myself to feel into these feelings, open and move through them enough to see that although fear is present (or anger, boredom, insecurities, sadness...) that COMFORT is also always within me too.

Another huge teaching in Tantra is that this one energy is at the core of our being, deeply peaceful and always present. Being able to connect to that part of myself while staying with the less pleasant feelings allows my fear to soften tremendously.

Learning to be with fear and not shutting down. Choosing to soften instead of harden. That is FEARLESSNESS. It is not the lack of fear. Instead it is not allowing my habitual reaction of fear to take over.

This isn’t a practice we do one time and then our heart becomes fearlessly open and genuine. It becomes a practice of returning to softness when we feel ourself harden. We go through it again and again. In this way, fear can become our teacher and a reminder to turn back to our practice.

Meditation

I got an email from a student yesterday asking me about her meditation practice. She said whenever she sits her mind is full of thoughts and she doesn’t know if what she is doing is even meditation.

Here were some of my thoughts for her.  

I also struggled with this in the beginning of my meditation practice. I thought in order to meditate I had to have a completely empty mind. I have learned that it is less important to stop the thoughts and is it more important to rest in the Self beyond the thoughts. I learned to distinguish between me thinking and hoping from one story line to the next story line totally engaged with the story my mind was weaving compared to being the witnesser of the thoughts and the story. When I am the witness I can let the thoughts be there and observe them. This witness perspective puts us in contact with The Self. I have learned that when I step back from thoughts and let myself observe them I am the Self. It has taken a lot of practice but now most days when I sit to meditate I realize that it’s not Kim that is thinking, instead I am the one who knows and witnessing the thinking. This cultivates a feeling of calmness and clarity within myself.

There is a school of thought that says the idea of meditation is to not think! and to have an empty mind. But that didn’t work with me. Instead I would think “Kim empty your mind” “you’re talking to yourself about empting your mind so your mind obviously isn’t empty” “great now my foot is a sleep” “don’t think about your foot, let it go, empty your mind” “now my whole leg hurts, I should change positions I can probably empty my mind better if I am comfortable”….and on and on it goes. I connect so much more with this witnesser approach to connect with my true Self the one that goes beyond thoughts and feelings. I can observe a similar dialogue “ok Kim time to mediate” “Kim is talking to herself” “Kim’s foot has fallen asleep” “Kim wants to change positions” “Kim is feeling frustrated”… When I am not engaging in the thoughts and taking them so personal they gradually fade away. That doesn’t mean my mind is empty sometimes it is, but often it’s not. But I experience a break from my mind and a sense of simplicity because I have stopped engaging the story line.

How do you know if you are actually meditating?

I strive to sit for at least 20 minutes 2x a day. Some days I sit and it’s awesome and I am connected with the Self the whole time and I go so deep. Other times I sit and the next thing I know my meditation timer goes off and I feel like I was just talking to myself the whole time. I consider it meditation though because I was making an effort to turn my attention inside. If you’re making the subtle effort to let go of thoughts, or to observe thoughts as they come up without getting engaged in them, you are meditating. If you are focusing your awareness toward the inner Self, you are meditating.

Meditation is like playing an instrument. The instrument of your soul. It takes practice + practice + practice + perseverance.

Core Power Asana Sequence

Most people hold fear, worry, anticipation, and stress in their bellies. Our belly is incredibly intelligent. The butterflies, the intuition, and all the other ways the belly communicates with us should how sensitive our “guts” can be. The belly also holds onto a lot! Being pregnant I can feel my fear of losing the baby, my anticipation over what life will be like with a baby, the stress of not being able to do as much as I want to do with morning sickness, just to name a few. Although I am not doing core work or twists right now like the sequence below suggests. In the past I have found these to be the most effective way to bring awareness to my belly to cultivate strength and awareness there so I can let go of what is no longer serving me. My practice these days is more meditative with awareness on my breath and on my belly I clear out the tension and welcome in a sense of calm, love and openness. Sometimes my mantra is as simple as: Inhaling space into my belly, exhaling letting the stress go.

Sucassana: Close your eyes and see a sweet softness manifesting throughout your body. See how all of the tendencies to contract and hold yourself back, hold other people accountable for your needs… see yourself releasing all of those tendencies now.
Supta knees into chest
Supta twisting core work inhale to one side pause and exhale bring back to center. Do it with bent knees first, and then do it with straight legs 90 degrees between thighs and hips.
Crunches core work. Target upper core and puff into the back of your kidneys.
Partner supta Kidney Work Exercise with [strap] which goes under their low back directly below their belly button. The yogi will puff low back into the matt and the partner will try to pull strap out. When good kidney loop is engaged strap shouldn’t move. Try this first with feet on the floor, then with knees bent and feet lifted off floor in line with knees.
Ardha Navasana- half boat pose knees bent, feel strength in your upper belly and your inner thighs. Every inhale brings fortitude and strength into your body.
Navasana boat pose with straight legs.
Janusirsasana- Lift belly and puff kidneys as you fold and lengthen chest toward toes.
Handstands keep kidneys full and heart melted.
L.L twist one hand down
HRL twist one hand down
HRL – parsvotonasana- HRL- Lunge
L.L quad- anjaneyasana
anjaneyasana – ardha hanumanasana – twisted ardha hanumanasna [2 blocks]
Parsvakonasana
Trikonasana
Parsvotonasa- walk both hands to outside to front foot twist prep- prasarita trikonasana. Inhale breaths lengthens torso exhale breaths twist. Let the twist remove any unintended tightness and twist out stress.
Plank hold 5 breaths inhale feel strong, exhale release any holding that’s not intended- chataranga- cobra- interlace hands behind back shalabasana lift up legs and chest
L twist. Back leg strong, straight and lifted, pull belly away from thigh
supta knees bent feet on floor hands on belly. Feel all the circulation in your belly, blood pumping, heart raising. Can you even feel you pulse in your belly?
roll over onto belly danurasana
Danurasana- rock on to one side kick – center- rock onto other side kick
roll onto back bridge
Bridge clasp hand series
Bridge hold feet come to top of head extend head into floor and stretch heart toward the back of the room
Urdhva Danurasana- come to the top of your head- draw shoulders back- roll more onto the top of your head/ forehead and press up. Press through your strong legs and send your heart over your hands and release anything you no longer need
Supta knock knees together- open arms like “T”. Feel the energy in belly, see if you can feel your pulse there without even touching your belly. Feel how soft your body has become. 5 breaths
Supta hands on knees and draw them in  circle a few times then take circle in different direction.
Thigh bone rooting
Twist
Twisting core work knees bent inhale to one side exhale back to center then to other side. Then do with your legs straight 3x
Paschimottanasana
Shavasana set up [2 blankets] to open heart and support cervical curve under neck.
Succasana one hand on chest one on belly, bring an opening to this space. Inhales feel yourself expand and get centered within yourself. When you exhale let go of stress, blame, shame, worry, anticipation…all the unwanted tendencies and tensions release. Make room for love and ease in your body.

Meditate on the pathway between the heart center and head

This meditation it to bring you into the midline of yourself, focusing on the pathway between the heart and the center of the head.
Start by chanting AUM making out each syllable: AHhhh- resonates in center of heart, Uuuuuu- resonates in your throat, MMmm- resonates in the third eye center above the soft palate of the mouth. Repeat the sound A.U.M until you can feel this pathway well I will normally chant 10-15 times.

Then tune your awareness to your breath. With your inhale breathe down into the heart behind the breastbone and with your exhale breathe up the throat into the third eye center, just above the soft palate, between the ears. On the inhale breathe down into the heart  and on the exhale flow up into the ajna chakra of the third eye.  Keep your awareness and your breath in this subtle channel that runs between your heart and the third eye. With the inhalation as the breath comes down into the heart have the thought “I AM” a decollation of being! Feel that resonance dropping into the heart  and with the exhalation let the " I AM" resonate in the third eye center. In this act of pratyahara (focus) follow the breath with the thought I Am into the heart and up into the third eye space.

 

Notice any place in your body that feels tight and let part of your awareness go there (keeping the rest of your awarness of this inner pathway). Let your breath release any tightness that you find arising. Notice any thoughts, any feelings that are coming up. Just note them with the recognition “thought”. Let your attention continue to flow inside the inner body keeping the breath moving on that string of from the center of heart to middle of head and notice that as you do this there is a restful inner feeling that you can maintain as you follow the string of the breath.

One of my Favorite sutra's comes from a classic Kashmir Shaivism book translated as The Heart of The Doctrine of Self Recognition: “by unfolding the center the bliss of the highest consciousness is attained”.

 

Chit! Ananda! Chit means intelligence and knowledge and Ananda means joyfulness and bliss. This sutra tells us that by focusing on the inner channel (shushumna nadi) we can tap into these feelings. The meditation I described above is focused on one segment the center channel. I like focusing on this part of the channel that links my heart to my head brain. I find my attention can easily hold this midline and I can access this blissful awareness pretty easily.

Meditation: drenched in PEACE

When I sit for meditation and my mind stops spinning as fast,  I begin to get this feeling of peace, of "every thing s going to be okay". After being soaked in that feeling when I come out of meditation I still carry some of that residue. That clarity of knowing at a very deep level that I am okay and  I am loved. I haven't figured out why I feel this way in meditation and I don't think it is important that I find out. What matters is that I feel it and I tap into it.

When I am living life I accumulate doubt, indecision, insecurities and FEAR. These feelings make me question: Should I meditate in the evening? Am I wasting my time? If I act on these feelings and don't meditate I experience these feelings more intensely. When I miss a mediation these feeling run rampid. As a result it is likely I will miss my next meditate and this continues. These fears can prevent me from mediating for a few days or weeks. I feel like my life is a blur of anxiety and I don't know why. Then I meditate and feel that peace I have been seeking outside of myself for. However, the longer I go without meditating the longer I need to sit before my mind stops spinning.

What I am learning is that I have to meditate no matter what. I meditate in the morning and in the evening. I meditate even when I really really don't want to. Because I know that not meditating, not getting drenched in that power, that is what makes my life crazy. If I do miss a meditation I try to recognize it and start my routine of regular meditation again.

My main intention for 2012 is to cultivate a better relationship with my higher power. I think the way to do that is through meditation. Therefore I am making meditating a huge priority. My other intention for the year is to cultivate better relationships with my family members (not that it isn't good but I want to make more time for them in my life). I think this will organically happen as I meditate more.

meditate and breath

During the holidays I find my mind wondering all over the place. To help myself stay balanced and calm during this often hectic season I have been practicing pranayama minimum 10 mins a day. Normally a combo of Nadi Shodhana and Kapalbhati (great heating breath during the cold winter months). Here is a pranayama blog post I wrote a few weeks ago for more breathing techniques. I also meditate 20 minutes 2 times a day. It is always my intention to do this, but I often find myself making excuses "I have so much to do, like cleaning the hair out of the drain... better not meditate". During this busy time of the year I have even more excuses not to meditate. But in my experience the more I have to do and the less time I have to meditate is a sure sign that I must mediate or I will turn into a mess. Its not just me that gets upset when I miss my meditation but my family, students, dog, and community all suffer when I don't take time to sit.

So let this be a reminder to meditate and breath!

pranayama + meditation

This week I have been practicing the first level of Nadi Shodhana Pranayama. In this practice you breath in and out of your left nostril five times, after your fifth exhale close off the air to the left nostril and breath in and out of the right nostril, then you realise your hands down and breath in and out five times through both nostrils. (For more information read my last post). I just recently found out of this modification of nadi shodhana. I always practiced with alternating nostrils with every breath cycle, instead of breathing in these sets of five.

I just went on a bike ride with my dog to Liberty Park sat next to a pound did this pranayama technique which calmed down my mind so much it was easy and enjoyable to slip into a 20 mins mediation. After I watched swans and ducks swim and fly across the pound. It was so tranquil. Dharma dog also had a great time exploring and laying in the sun. Then we just biked home. Although I am no longer doing seated meditation I still feel immersed in this finer vibration that flutters with love and joy dancing under my skin.

This wonderful meditation was more easeful because I have been practicing daily pranayama in addition to meditation. I feel like with pranayama before meditation it helps my mind quite so much that I am almost pulled into meditation. Like really good foreplay before sex :)

Now wokring on a yoga project and then off to the second weekend of the second moduel of Anusara Teacher Training with Adam Ballenger

meditation

My meditation practice has transformed tremendously since I started meditating with my teacher Clinton Brock who introduced me to a way of mediating that doesn't use any technique. I had been meditating for over five years but my meditation practice has always been technique based whether it be a mantra, a breathing technique, or a visualization... and definitely before I met Clinton my meditation posture was very upright and "proper". Now when I sit to meditate I sit as comfortable as possible and my back is rarely straight. Sometimes I sit in my couch and put a pillow behind my head so my head doesn't bop around, other times I tip my head forwd slightly. I still do practice technique based meditations and I often perform these in a upright position. Since meeting Clinton I have been trying to meditate in this technique free way for a minimum of 20 mins 2 times a day. Wow the momentum it has created in my life has been intense. I feel like all the technique meditations probably got me ready to go deep into this meditation but I also feel like at some point you have to let go of the technique so can enter in even more deeply.

I have a private appointment with Clinton in a few hours and I am very excited to talk and giggle with him.

I also recently gifted myself with Sally Kemptons beautifully written book Meditation for the Love of it. Sally and Clinton at the base of what they are teaching is so identical and it is really wonderful to be hearing it in both of their words because they are saying the same thing in different ways which I think is helping me grasp it even deeper.

So much gratitude for all the rocking teachers out there spreading the knowledge + love

(I wrote this blog after really surrendering to CLintons meditaiton style:
http://authenticselfyoga.blogspot.com/2011/03/go-with-flow.html)

go with the flow

As I continue to learn more about myself and how to come into balance for me, I have noticed that I need to surrender to life. I like most people have a tendency to want to control life. I don't want to not go with the flow, I just want to be in charge of where the flow is going and when I will get there (hehe). I am learning that this sense of control does not bring me more joy. Instead the need to control and plan has manifested in my imbalances.


On Tuesday I took a really great meditation class from my new teacher Clinton. His view on meditation is different then what I am used to, instead of using various techniques he suggests just open to the divine presence (whatever you want to call it) that already exists inside of us. Although he doesn't discount technique he just recommends surrendering and seeing what happens. Its like the Buddha he sat for a very long time and eventually became enlightened. After he became enlightened many others wanted to as well some were so focused on technique that they tried to lie on their side with there feet stacked in a particular way like Buddha did hoping it would bring them enlightenment. The point is, we can get caught up in technique.

I have taken some meditation classes with Clinton before and had heard his recommendation of doing nothing but wanting to be in control I would use a specific techniques visualization, mantra, and breath. After the meditation I would feel good and like I had been meditating. But on Tuesday I decided to just try it his way. Not sit in my perfect siddhasana but instead relax into the chair I was sitting on and just surrender. Giving up my thoughts, my mood in order to experience the abundant flow of Divine/Universal/God (call it what you want). And I did. I completely surrendered and I got taken into deeper and deeper, finer and finer forms of energy. It was scary it caused a little anxiety but I surrendered to that to.

I am learning it is always hard to let go of our coping mechanisms (in this case incessant thinking, negative self talk, perpetual planning) but once we dare to take that leap we in fact experience peace, joy, and humility. Toward the end of the meditation that Tuesday my body felt like it was moving almost shaking, I felt so much electricity and a soft hmm. I felt like my body was merely a capsule for life energy. I had never felt that way before a few tears ran down my face but not sad tears but tears of a girl who felt totally accepted, loved and content in that moment with so much energy yet so grounded and humble.
 
That way of meditating was so powerful for me and I have continued to do it every day for at least 20mins working up to 20 mins 2x a day. That type of meditation I think was so powerful for me because it was going with the flow without trying to control, or predict, or worry where that flow is going.

week 3 mentorship homework

Life has been pretty crazy lately with my birthday, xmas, yoga studio shifts, school ending, new school starting, health problems... One of the things that feel to the side was some of the Christian Sell mentorship homework. This afternoon I had some free time I quickly did an aassigment (heads up this is not perfect just wanted to do it). I havent taught this class yet. but i did teach a class this morning with a similar theme that i kind of expanded off of for this assignment

Personal-> universal: I have been thinking about what I want to cultivate in myself for 2011. I want to create more space around my heart so I can live in my heart and respond from my heart and with practice I hope to keep my heart open no matter what situations, issues, poses... I face
The Anusara yoga philosophy: tells us that every moment and every experience is an opportunity for us to live in our heart.
Define concept: Space “three-dimensional extent in which objects and events occur and have relative position and direction” (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Space) Patience “Patience is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances” (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patience)
What it means to me: Space is very important to me because when I create this expansion in my chest I can more easily live in my heart and I can respond with patience in more appropriate ways then if my chest was closed and constricted.
Chit Ananda: When we create space around our heart we can express patience in any situation.
Refining chit ananda: “when we know this expansion (state of spaciousness) we can express our self with patience (feeling quality) because we can reside in our hearts through any situations”
Tie into UPA: Opening to grace creates space up the sides of our body and into the front and the back of our heart creating a quality of patience for us to move through this practice being very aware and connected to the heart
Tie into upcoming class: Today we will practice creating space around the heart with patience as we face difficult poses while keeping our awareness in our heart and working toward urdhva danurasana.
Verbs: Open, length, broaden, expand, lift
Adjectives, verbs and feelings: Patience, endurance, softness, fortitude, calmly, constancy, perseverance, enthusiasm, compassion, aspiration
actions and heart feelings linked:
• Lengthen from your waist up toward your armpits with enthusiasm
• Expand the circumference of your heart in all directions with perseverance
• Lift the belly away from the pelvis with softness
• Soften the skin to the bone with patience
• Move the thigh bones back with fortitude

Definitely feel like I am struggling linking up to adverbs, adjectives and feelings. But am really enjoying how these homework assignments are inviting me to think in new ways (so much so that my brain hurts :D)

meditation

Recently a new student asked me if I could write up a quick blog explaining some basic meditation info and suggestions. Here it is.


I think of meditation can be a great tool for anyone in life, allowing us to cultivate a better relationship our whole self and the world around us. Meditation also allows us to slow down so instead of being in a state of constant reactivity we can mindfully choose how best appropriately to respond to any given situation.

There are lots of different meditation techniques out there. But in the yoga world there are two general categories. There is a dual type of meditation (classical yoga) and a non-dual type (tantric yoga).

In the dual type (classical yoga) they believe there is two things the you (purusha) and the other (prakriti) and that you want to get all the other (prakritic) stuff away so you can just experience yourself.. In this meditation you try to still the mind and have no thoughts. I tried this for years and struggled so much. How can I not think? In this form of meditation even when I could empty my mind I still felt very stiff, scared and not very joyful. I also felt like I was bad at mediation. (In my therapy session today we talked a lot about this "I am not good enough" mind set and I notice how much I do this subconsciously.)

The other type of meditation is non-dual meaning everything is one and that oneness is pure of joy, bliss, peace, stability, love... so that even thoughts aren’t seen as something bad because everything is one. I like to think about this in pulsation. Right…everything pulses, our breath, the cycles of nature, even the particles that hold things together are made up of small particles that pulsate and create a sold entity. So if everything pulses and this pulsation is made out of bliss, then why should we try to stop it? That would be like trying to stop the sun from setting. For example if I sit and meditate and my mind is a little more active that day I just sit with that. I try not to get pulled really hard into one thought I just let the thoughts come and go. As if I was lying on my back watching the clouds pass by. I don’t think my thoughts are bad and the fact that I can’t stop them I am bad in this non-dual way we allow every experience to be an opportunity for us to find some more peace or joy in life. here is a link to one of my blogs that talks about having thoughts while meditating (http://authenticselfyoga.blogspot.com/2010/01/mental-naming-learning-to-...).

Here are a few other techniques.
1. counting the breath: as I sit or lie to meditate count my breath inhale 1, exhale, 2, inhale 3 and so on and so on until I get to 10 then I start working backwards inhale 10 exhale 9 inhale 8..however if while I am doing this counting meditation and I get distracted I start back over at 1. I rarely make it to 10. It doesn’t really matter if I do make it to ten it is just a nice way of calming and centering.
2. Nadi Shodhana (alternate nostril breathing): a way to cleanse and see clearly while cultivating a more harmonious balance between the left/feminine and right/masculine sides of the body. Close off the air to the left nostril (with the ring and pinky finger of the right hand) exhale through right and inhale through the right nostril then close of air to the right nostril with the thumb exhale through left and inhale and repeat.
3. Mantra: I love mantra. Mantras are using a sound or phase and repeat it over and over either silently or out loud to yourself. The theory behind it is the sound vibrations effect our vibrations and bring that mantra/or affirmation into our being. Here is a link about hindu gods and their mantrashttp://authenticselfyoga.blogspot.com/2010/05/mantra.html
4. audio: I also really enjoy listening to audio meditations and following along. Some of my favorite Jack Kornfield, Sharon Salzberg, Joseph Goldstein, and Harshada Wagner

Restorative Yoga Class

I took a yoga class that Lululemon Athletica hosted (part of their 12days of complimentary fitness classes of Christmas). Scott Moore offered a wonderful restorative class at Prana Yoga. It was so great! I felt like I really got the opprotunity to turn “off”, rest, restore and rejuvenate. During the practice Scott said something that really helped me understand the value of restorative yoga.


He talked about how Mickey Mouse uses a spell to make brooms and mops come alive to clean the floors. Mickey was using this clever trick to get more things done at once, but pretty soon he didn’t know how to turn them off, let alone where the “”off” switch was. I deffinitly feel myself do this in my life. I multi tast, i am always going going going. Sometimes I forget I need to slow down, and when I remember I sometimes find it hard to actually settle down.

Scott talked about how that is the invitation that restorative yoga offers us, a way to find the “off” button, and a way to push it. This is how we can restore our self. Something else Scott kept saying throughout the practice was this idea that you don’t have to do anything in a precise way, and your pose doesn’t need to look a particular way. Instead you put the body into a general shape and then you allow yourself to make little shifts until you can find the ease into which to release deeper. That reminds me that all our off buttons can look different, and we can even push them in different ways. But the bottom line is, through this wonderful multi facetted practice of yoga asana, meditation, and pranayama we are given the invitation to let go, drop into this moment, and surrender so we may restore our body mind and spirit.

Thanks Scott and Lululemon Athletica for a great mid day practice.